无条件自我接纳 (美国)



即使我不愿意或无法改变我的心态,我也可以选择接受自己‘character defects’因为没有宇宙法则说我可以’t。我对自己的认可不能来自平移任何外部来源或屈服于任何外部权威。我的自我接纳只能来自我自己,我可以随时选择。

—尼克·拉卡西奇(Nick Rajacic)


If 您 feel (I did not say think) that 您 are worthless, 您 may be and probably are a victim of a culture that has told 您 that 您r worth depends on 您r achievements and the judgments of others. The feeling of worthlessness besets and enervates men and women, but in different ways.


和男人?大卫·伯恩斯(David Burns)在他的精彩著作中, 感觉不错写道,男人比女人更容易变得毫无价值。他指出,从小就对男人进行编程,以使自己的价值基于自己的成就。他们必须处理他们所生活的社会赋予他们的不切实际的期望。胜者已成圣:所有其他人都是‘losers,’被遗忘了。我们的文化告诉我们,我们的工作很重要。我们不是。那’s wrong, dead wrong.

Consider this… If 您 base 您r worth on achievements such as production and advancement, 您 may dig 您rself into a depressive pit when 您 fail (as we humans often do) to accomplish some objective or goal. Some modest and reasonable achievement in life is, of course, necessary. It’s a matter of moderation and balance, working sensibly within the limits of 您r time, talents, and opportunities. My five foot, six inch neighbor will never play Center for the Boston Celtics. (But he’s a grand teacher!)

戴维·伯恩斯(David Burns)写道:‘考虑一下这样一个事实,即大多数人不是伟大的成就者,但是大多数人[生存并]感到高兴和受到尊重。’

If 您 base 您r worth on positive or negative criticisms from others, remember that these are merely judgments by people who don’t have all the facts and who have no right to act as 您r self-appointed judges. If 您 determine 您r worth by such judgments, 您r life will be an up and down roller coaster ride that will make 您r life miserable. 您r best is good enough.


阿尔伯特·埃利斯(Albert Ellis)在这个问题上作了大量的写作。他指的是‘可变价值学说。’ Here’真正的价值是什么:价值是一个哲学思想,而不是尺度。价值是基于自我判断,而不是其他判断。值是一个常数,而不是变量。

您r worth is not contingent on 您r performance, degrees, trophies, possessions, titles, money, behavior, or the judgment of anyone but 您. And even 您 cannot judge it: 您 can only recognize it. 您r worth is intrinsic to 您 as a human being distinguished from all other forms of life. If 您 are a Believer, 您 know that 您r worth transcends the mere human. 您 are part human, part divine. For a Believer to unfairly criticize the self is bad judgment, and to criticize God is impolite. Rudeness is not one of the seven cardinal sins, but it could be the eighth.

您r behavior may be rational or irrational and 您r accomplishments modest or enormous, but 您 are 您, a human being with a mind and will. 您 are a million light years beyond 您r closest kin in the animal world, and sixty-eleven-trillion zillion light years (plus or minus six months) beyond any inanimate object in any galaxy or universe.

您 can neither increase nor diminish 您r worth. Among humans, 您 are not just special-you are unique. Please don’t concern 您rself about self-esteem and self-love. Those ideas involve rating, measuring (comparing to others), and judging.* Just accept 您rself for what 您 are, a diamond in the rough. (But polish it once in a while.) Paul Hauck wrote a book on the subject of self-worth: 克服评分游戏:超越自我爱:超越自尊. 非常推荐。

所以请不要’t tell me (or 您) that 您 are worthless. If someone said to 您 the things 您 say to 您rself, 您 would be insulted and probably say something like, ‘您没有该死的话语权!’ Right, but then, neither do 您.

有时,我认为感到一文不值的人也会将自己视为完美主义者。完美主义与傲慢相接,’是一个令人讨厌的心灵游戏,它将自我设定为肯定的失败者。最近有人对我说(他在吹牛),‘I’m a perfectionist, 您 know.’我假装悲伤而同情的皱眉,然后回答,‘Gee, I’很抱歉听到这个消息,’ then added, ‘Just 您 and God, eh?’ My 您ng friend was shocked. He frowned, took the point, and then experienced one of those delightful ‘Aha’启蒙的时刻。这对他来说是一个美好的时刻,我有幸分享。

-©文斯·福克斯(d。 )经许可在此处使用。


Why had 您 better not rate 您r self or 您r essence? Albert Ellis provides a few more reasons:


2. Just as 您r deeds and characteristics constantly change (today 您 play tennis or chess or the stock market very well and tomorrow quite badly), so does 您r self-change. Even if 您 could, at any one second, somehow give 您r totality a legitimate rating, this rating would keep changing constantly as 您 did new things and had more experiences. Only after 您r death could 您 give 您r self a final and stable rating.

3.评估自己或获得自我强化或自尊的目的是什么?显然,是要使您比其他人感觉更好:夸大自己,比您更圣洁,并乘坐金色战车升上天堂。做得好,只要你能做到!但是由于自尊似乎与Bandura(1977)所说的自我效能感高度相关,因此只有在(a)表现出色,(b)知道自己会继续保持良好状态并且( c)确保您在现在和将来的重要演出中始终保持平等或处于最佳状态。好吧,除非你真的很完美,否则这些愿望会很幸运!

4.尽管对您的表现进行评分并将其与其他人的表现进行比较具有真正的价值,因为它可以帮助您提高效能,大概可以提高您对自己的幸福感,并坚持认为自己必须是一个好人和适当的人(除非您再次,太完美了!)当您可能无法做好任何重要的事情时,几乎不可避免地会导致您焦虑;当您的行为不佳时会感到沮丧;当其他人的表现超过您时则充满敌意;当条件干扰您的所作所为时,你会自怜你应该。除了这些神经质和使人衰弱的感觉之外,几乎可以肯定的是,您还会遭受严重的行为问题,例如拖延,退缩,羞怯,恐惧症,痴迷,惯性和无效率(Bard,1980; Ellis,1962、1971、1973; Ellis和贝克尔(1982);埃利斯(Ellis)和哈珀(Harper),1975;埃利斯(Ellis)和克努斯(Knaus),1977;格里格(Grieger)和格里格(Grieger),1982;米勒(Miller),1983;瓦伦(diGiuseppe)和韦斯勒(Wessler),1980;韦斯勒和韦斯勒(Wessler)(1980)。

For these reasons, as well as others that I have outlined elsewhere (Ellis, 1962, 1971, 1973, 1976, 1988), rating or measuring 您r self or 您r ego will tend to make 您 anxious, miserable, and ineffective. By all means rate 您r acts and try (undesperately!) to do well. For 您 may be happier, healthier, richer, or more achievement- confident (confident that 您 can achieve) if 您 perform adequately. But 您 will not be, nor had 您 better define 您rself as, a better person.

如果您坚持对自己或自己的人格进行评级,而REBT建议您不要这样做,那么您最好将自己视为有价值或有价值的,仅仅是因为您是人类,因为您还活着,因为您存在。最好不要’评估自己或自己的存在,然后你就赢了’不要陷入任何哲学或科学难题。但是,如果您使用了不准确,过于笼统的自我评价,例如‘I am a good person,’ ‘I am worthwhile,’ or ‘I like myself,’ say ‘我之所以出色是因为我存在,而不是因为我做了一些特别的事情。’这样,您就不会以僵化,专横,专制的方式(即法西斯主义的方式)对自己进行评级。

—©Albert Ellis博士(d。)经许可在此处使用。




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